Saturday, May 30, 2009

A day in the life of somebody with bull flu.

As far as disappointments go man kind is up there with a nun missing her period. 

Man kind is disappointing as a can of cascade pale ale - invented only to be piffed at Bogans.

Man kind is as disappointing as art deco furniture placed in a room with foxtel.

That is just so like me to compare the human race to Gods greatest creation, foxtel. 

But really, we all know what Gods greatest creation was and it was..... 

God's greatest creation was the automatic teller machine. 

And hasn't the old bastard been reeping the rewards from that, it now costs me a dollar fifty to use any Atm that does not belong to commonwealth bank.  

Commonweath indeed! 

As far as mans greatest invention goes well.... You could pretty much guarantee that man kind was going to be fucked when they decided that their greatest invention was the wheel......

"hey moses"

"hey Noah what you up to"

"Well Moses, funny you should ask, i've actually just built a boat large enough to carry a pair of every species of animal known to man...."

"thats pretty cool i spose"

"what you up to Moses, what you doing with that big round boulder?"

"You see Noah i thought if i found another big round boulder i could roll them around and stuff and shit.....I actually think it will be known one day as mans greatest invention"

"yeh but moses you didnt really invent it did you..."

"..... yes i did"

"no, ahhh no you didnt you just found it.  I on the other hand have built a vessel so big that it can carry all species of animal, its pretty much as big as china."

"Hey Moses, Hey Noah, gee guys have you seen that boat round the corner that is as big as china, what a twat, great wheel Moses probably mans greatest invention, hey you guys wana come down to the last supper and have a beer and eat the body of christ?"

"yeah sure,just need to get some cash out!"

Who wrote the bible................

See, thats the thing about god he is fucking sneaky.

People wonder why god no longer inflicts the plague on un suspecting naughty naughty humans but they just dont look close enough.  God has replaced the plague with homosexuality.

I thee Bob Jane God the ll send down homosexuality upon you as pain for your sins that you have commited and are yet to commit.

Thats why God invented Gay marriage - he was like HA HA HA in his booming voice this will fuck with them.

And hasnt it.......

Very sneeky old mate....

There has only been one marrige in the history of Gaydom that hasn't been complained about and said to be sick and twisted.  That was the marriage of Ellen and Portia - god bless.

But lets face it, Portia is not gay!  Actually neither is Ellen for that matter they both love the cock.

Ok no Portia is not Gay, i have actually heard it on high authority that Portia and Tom Cruise are secretly dating and Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman are actually having it off.  

Now there is a right pair of dirty lessos.

Gay marriage is all good and well and congrats to anyone who is able and willing to take that step infront of the eyes of god especially considering that he hates you.

To sum up, homosexuality is a disease! A fucking epidemic.  It is a scientific fact that when a Lesbian walks out the door she infects about five other people.

In Tasmania there was a law just a couple of years back that made buggery illegal and rightfully so.

It was ok for women to have it with one another because they cant have 'real' sex anyway.  Which has recently been proven on neighbors as on of the lesbian characters has left her female lover and started sleeping with men again - Thank God!

At least now the right message has been given to children!

As for me and many of my friends we were sent down from heaven with dental dam parachutes and with us we brought facial piercing, tattoos and wife beaters.  

We coveted thy neighbors wife, took the lords name in vein and gave thy no shit about the sabbath day.

Do you want to know what really grinds my goat and gets up my gears with people these days.  

For starters everybody is just so "trendy" take for example this new breed of orange people.. I feel like i am taking crazy pills.  Does anybody else notice that every second person is walking around with orange skin????

Orange people in leggings... what is the world coming to.  I strongly believe that orange skin leggings and the swine flu are all related.

What ever happened to SARS?   A pig sneezed on me the other day and i didnt get sick. Pandemic indeed. More like bullshit.

The word bullshit is such a good descriptive word for the human race. I dont think it is the pigs fault at all. Man Kind is suffering from Bull flu.

Bible says that god modeled man kind on his own image.......... 

He is the man that found a rock.

He is the girl with orange skin.

He is  the man on the tram that always manages to shit himself .

He is the automatic teller machine charging you a dollar fifty to get cash out.

He is a can of Cascade Pale Ale.

crying shame...

I am an avid believer in children should be seen and not heard.

I am also pro leaving children in cars with the windows up.

Since when were parents not allowed to hit their children?  

I know plenty of people who copped some form of brutal beating and now they are better people for it.

I wonder if there is a link between the decrease in beatings and suicides among shop assistants around the globe.

There are so many children walking around who look like they are dying for a good kick in the face.  

Kids just don't have any concept  of their listening abilities.  They listen to thomas the tank engine,big bird and Iggle Piggle but not their parents.

Mind you most parents these days are fuck wits.

I can't wait for the day somebody events a Thomas the Tank Engine gun.

It is a crying shame that you cant tell kids to go back where they came from.  Quite a painful procedure for the mother but that serves her right for giving birth.

People say don't blame the kids blame the parents.  I blame both.

Just as bad as one another.

My parents were on to it.  I got left in the car and hit and i am a great person.  Looking back on it, it didn't even hurt that much.

Thats the problem with kids these days, they are pussies.

Kinds in the 1800's were drinking pints of gin.  Not these kids.

"mummy get me a juice."

"no dear how about a gin and  a bullet?"

The best parents are the parents who are still children themselves.  15,16 & 17 are the best ages to have babies.

I am pro teenage pregnancy.

Child birth is not natural.  Its down right weird.  Seeing a mother and child walking down the street.  You know that that child has come out of her vagina and lets face it it makes things kind of awkward.

I thank god everyday that when the time comes i can just pick mine out of a line.  I will use the age old selection process of eni meeni mini mo.