Monday, March 16, 2009

The Tuesday Morning Herald Pun

In a press release today, the State Government put forward a plan as part of their 'Education for the People of the Street Program', to pay for every person who is a permanent fixture on the corners of Victoria Street to do their RSS certificate.

The State Government believe that the Responsible Service of Smack certificate is vital for every person that catches the 109 tram without a valid ticket.

The Yarra City Council have decided to begin employing ticket inspectors from the 'Work for the Dole Program', spokesperson for Yarra Trams said
"We are finding that the Convict Release Program is no longer efficent for ticket inspecting and we will be concentrating their time elsewhere, such as women shelters, childcare and the church."

The Taxi Cab Union of Victoria have installed GPS devices in the brains of their cab drivers. They believed that this procedure was necessary due to drivers lack of area familarisation. According to 3 Mobile, their phone reception and internet connections have been slower than usual due to the crossing of frequencys between the taxi drivers brains and their commitment to service.

In Local news IKEA have waged a war on the cross eyed mutant banana smelling people, who steal their yellow bags rather than buying a blue bag. Many of the mutants have been spotted on the epping train line. IKEA are making a plea to the local community to stop these people before this goes to far. When IKEA was asked how the mutants got out of the store with the yellow bags she replied that her staff were too busy solving the mathematical equation of personality+
(IKEA is offering to donate 5c to the bushfire appeal for every yellow bag returned).

In further news it has become apparent that one of the many breeds to suffer from global warming and colding is the Red Head. Already a breed of unknown numbers and unreliable habitat it has been scientificly proven that they are now on the endangered list.

The Red Head has been given great media exposure in recent weeks. I am sure everybody received the email or saw the photograph of the fireman rehydrating the small, fluffy, red head in the victorian wilderness during the bushfires. This photograph grabbed attention of people world wide.

Scientist are now urging red heads to drop their often high and unrealistic standards and start breeding with any common muck to secure the existence of their race.

Minister for Treasurey believes that the current economic climate could work in the 'Ginger Nut's' favour. Due to the recession he feels it unecessary for Red Heads to buy condoms. He believes that their chance of conception are low enough as it is with high amounts of the fanta chromosone running through their blood.

The Health Minister has revealed that you can get pregnant through any orifice. The Minister for Religon has made a statement denying rumours that the immaculate conception occured because God came in Mary's bellybutton.

In Community News, we are now in stage 3B of water restrictions. Due to the amount H20 bingeing there will be a tax put on water. H2offyouPOP tax will not only be applied to drinking water, but also toilets, waterfalls and small ponds will no longer be able to operate.

This morning Australia was disappointed but not surprised to see a photo of Kevin Rudd's Stimulus package being used in a position that only some would recognise as the 'spread eagle' with Pauline Hanson while she had a thumb wrestle with Warwick Cappa. Photographic evidence was taken by none other than Kevin Rudd's wife who was going to use it in a ploy to blackmail political leaders and rule the world.

In sports this week it will be an interesting match between the Apple IPhone and the Blackberry Storm. It will really come down to the fans this week, which is lucky as they will need all the toss pots and wankers they can get.

This weeks quirky tale involves a women in America who gave birth to one million cats. In an interview with Current Affairs the woman said that she always wanted a big family. When the woman was asked how she felt about the fact that she had been injected with 30 gallons of cat semen she replied with "what is semen?"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The out crowd on a one way street....

I was sitting on Gertrude Street with some friends the other day.

One of my friends discreetly asked me whether i was the giver or the receiver??????? I replied....both.

I ask you, Is this not the right answer because she looked at me as if i was some crazy sexual deviant who had just said something completely out of this world.

Is there some consipiracy in the lesbian world that i dont know about???? Do some only give and some only receive???

Ummmmmm what? Excuse me?

I could only begin to imagine the world in which you would only receive?? And heaven forbid i only ever gave. Lets face facts, orgasms are fucking brilliant.

Then this led me to think about all of my lesbian friends and wether they would be givers or receivers. I came to some pretty sound conclusions.

Then i did the first thing anybody would do when they were confused or didn't know how to spell something...... I googled it.

In the search bar i typed the logistics of lesbian sex - of course it came up with the usual how to bullshit e.g "some women enjoy deep penetration called fisting, make sure to be careful when doing so.."

No matter how many differn't ways i tried to spell it out, google just could't give me the answer i needed . If only i could build up the courage, just to ask my friend what she had mean't?

Please tell me how you feel about this topic. Do you give? Do you receive?

Or are you not apart of the conspiracy, and like me are happy in the one lane, on the two way street of sex?

Lions, Tigers and Mothers oh my....

I have no doubt in my mind that i have my mother to thank for the way i turned out.

It all began when i was still in the womb and she chose my name.

I am sure that you are all familiar with Jenifer Beals in the film Flashdance, if your not than you should be ashamed. My mother named me after Jenifer Beal's character who was a welder by day and a stripper by night. If that is not setting a standard for your un-born child i dont know what is.

She used to teach me answers to certain questions, so when her friends asked me the questions (which were always prompted by my mum) i would give the desired answer, keep in mind i was four.
Q.What is your favourite perfume? A. Channel No. 5
Q.Who is your favourite singer? A. (most kids would have said Noni from playschool but no mine was....) Madonna

When she would read to me,
the better the champagne, the better the accents of the characters in the book. She even brings it up now, she reminds me of how much of a good story teller she was.

My mum and her best friend Barb used to take me to the park with 3 bottles of chapagne and two packs of ciggies. A couple of hours later they were having a ball on the swings while i would be waiting in the car to go home.

She used to keep me home from school just for the sake of it. It would be a plain clothes day and she would tell me "you are staying at home today" i would say "mum i want to go to school and wear free dress" she would then reply with " ok well you can go to school then but i will send you in your uniform" The lack of attendance to school didn't matter however as the void was easily filled with the much more educational Bold and the Beautiful.

I was never allowed to have a Ken Doll. So from the early age of six i had already figured out the lesbian lifestyle and social networking because all of my Barbies were having it off together.

One year all i wanted for Christmas was a cabbage patch doll, i was so excited when i was opening my big present on Christmas Day. When i saw what was inside, the depths of hell opened- she had bought me a fucking boy. A boy cabbage patch doll, can you imagin? He's name was Blancroft Blain. None of the Barbies gave him the time of day.

When i was 14, i was well over the ken doll factor. What do you think i got for christmas that year? Yes a fucking Ken doll. By this stage all of the Barbies had entered into serious homosexual relationships with one another, however there was another doll that was rather lonely, so from that day Ken and Blancroft Blain stated sucking each others cock.

So here i was growing up in a world surrounded by Flash Dance, Bold and The Beautiful, Homosexual Barbies and Cock sucking cabbage patch dolls. My destiny, by this stage had pretty much been set in stone.

When i was in my teens and even now when i say "goodnight mum, love you" she replies with "yes, i like you alot"

These are just afew instances that surrounded my childhood that seemed so small at the time and now when i look back at them they really have been the pinacle points that have shaped my existence as i know it.

Nevertheless i am so happy with who i am and what i believe in and i have my mum and her passive smoke to thank for that.

All jokes aside she is the most amazing women i have ever met and i only wish that everybody could have the same relationship with their mother as i do mine.....

So how do we feel about strap ons......?

Sir Thomas 'big plastic cock' Strap On was a man of great integrity. He took women from the constraints of the chastity belt and put them in the harness of the big plastic cock.

So how do we really feel about THE STRAP ON?

For me it has never been a question that i have asked myself. I am going to be honest i have never used one. I feel that there is something very surgical about the strap on.

I have done some reaserch and the designs really do vary.

Your $50 strap on will get you something with a strechy elastic 'strap and a weird pink plastic penis, that won't stay in it's hole. We will name thee 'mood killer'

Your $150 strap on will get you something quite reliable with a black elastic 'strap' and some moulded rubber in any colour that somewhat represents a penis .

Your higher end strap on which is anywhere between the $300 or more has upholsered leather seats with air con and electric windows. Ahhhh there is nothing like that new car smell.

What are the strap on rules? If you buy a strap on with one partner do you use it on the next when you brake up? Do you have a strap on each, that are differnt colours so as to avoid confusion? Do you have a range of strap ons with varying sizes?

So the strap on, really?

I would like some light shed on this question. I need some opinions on the strap on. I need to get to know who the strap on really is?

Strap on .....the unsolved mystery. To Be Continued.

How Do You Have Yours?...

The rise of the lesbian sugar mama.

There is a special breed of X (wom) men who are geneticly modified to have power and persuasive control of another persons actions. This so called genetivly modified X chromosone has been dubed the 'Sugar'.

Scientists have proven that these X (wom) men do all in their power to pamper the current significant other, so their partners never leave....ever.

I only wish this particular issue had been brought to my attention sooner.

Once a rare breed, The Sugar Mama's numbers are growing rapidly. Some believe is is the hormones found in chicken and others believe it natural urge for lesbians around the world to be protective and supportive of their assets.

When did self respect cease? For both parties this is a very dangerous situation.

A. The Sugar Mama is happy with new partner "Y", then the honeymoon period of a week is over, the sugar mama becomes concerned, starts buying "Y" food to be able to stay in the house, clothes, starts using the word baby in text messages and asks "Y" what time she will be home...??

B. "Y" is happy, finds sugar mama attractive, is enjoying the guilt free sex and likes having someone to spoon, "Y" stays at sugar mama's house alot!! "Y" finds sugar mama being protective and over the top. "Y" hates the word baby. "Y" doesn't stay out late becxause she wants to get home before Sugar Mama finishes work, downs some Phrenergan and "Y" uses sleeping tablets as an excuse for lack of intimacy.

The cases of Sugar Mamadom vary from mild to serious. If you feel like you are coming down with it go to a nice gay bar and do the one thing all of us lesbians are great at - Karaoke . Use only as directed and if symptoms persist, cheat on her.

White and no Sugar Mama Thanks...

Ode To Sarah Waters...

I have heard it on the grape vine that some of Sarah Waters' Lesbian fans have stated that they will not read her next book as it does not involve Lesbians.

Hang on just a minute here.... Sarah Waters is an amazing author and more power to her!

Don't you find it refreshing? That somebody who knows she is sucessful in her current ideas and themes, is stepping outside the square into the unknown territory of the oblong?

We should be celebrating the fact that a prominant Lesbian author is going to be publishing a novel aimed at the big scary world of heterosexuals!

As for me, i have just finished reading 'The Night Watch' and i cannot wait to get my hands on the next Sarah Waters novel.

Fashion Faux Pas.....

Leggings are not pants. Let me say this one more time incase you there, in the back couldn't hear me, Leggings are not pants.

I was at the airport last night and there were some very sad cases of the legging epidemic. Who decided that it was ok to wear leggings as pants?

Since when was is ok to wear stockings as pants? There was one women in particular who appeared to be extremely proud of her gunt and drew attention to it by wearing leggings as pants.

Bring back the styrup pants i say! How brilliant was the styrup pant. I used to wear florel ones. I would also have the styrup out the back of my shoes rather than putting it under my foot. Now the styrup pant was a statement if i ever saw one! The Styrup wasn't for everyone, anyone over the age of four was to old for the styrup, luckily for me i was three.

Leggings as pants bring about so many pressing fasion issues eg 'can you see my underpants under this?' 'To Camel toe or not to Camel toe?' and the almighty 'do my hips look big in this?'

The cons out weigh the pros. The stress that is created from this so called fashion statement, i believe can seriously lead to premature hair loss.

Thats all we need, balding twenty somethings dressed in leggings and waving their highlighted Camelus in our faces. I say no to leggings as pants!

On the straight and not so narrow...

The straight girl issue.

A friend of mine, at this current point in time is persuing a straight girl. She believes, like so many others that have traveled down this path, that she will be the special one that this girl will turn gay for.

It has been a while since she has had sex. The last time she did, it was with a stright girl who tore her clothes off only to leave her a week later for a man. You would think that we would learn from our mistakes but as humans, common sense doesn't seem to be a factor when it comes to who we fuck.

It has actually been so long that she googled 'sex without intercourse.' It resulted with some sites where men were in forums discussing how much harder women cum with just fingers and no cock.

This of course is no suprise to us but it makes you wonder how many years these men have been having sex and have only just come across this remarkable discovery. Neil Armstrong was the first man to discover the clitoris 'one small step for man one giant leap for man kind'

Lets face it, the vagina can be a tricky thing to navigate, so many places so many differnt ways to do things. It is easy for us girls because we have one and i suppose to the straight girl that could be quite daunting, licking yourself out.

I believe that there are only a very small percentage of the world that are totally straight.
I believe to say that you are only attracted to the opposite sex is not only a denial of basic human nature but a great opportunity missed.

What is it about 'The Straight' girl? What is it about the straight girl that manipulates and overpowers the gay women?

This then brings us to the age old question what came first, the chicken or the egg? Do you think that we are all born gay and due to the social norm, the majority conform and become hetero? Or are we born straight and then turn gay? hmmmm.

So when the straight girl realises that in fact she is gay, she is retreating back to her natural born instincts of homosexuality?

So for us who have seen the light and indeed not conformed with the norm, have we cracked the Matrix of sexuality?

The argument can also be turned around. The Hasbian? When the Hasbian decides that she has had her fill of homosexuality she runs back to Mr Anderson's shaft of certain death.
Maybe gender isn't the issue here.

Maybe it is about the right person. A very clever man once told me a story about a women who came home to her father and told him she was in love, the father asked her how the love making was, she replied that making love with him was the best love she had ever had, he then turned to her and said "yes ... but how is the silence......can you sit in silence?" Since i heard that story i have pretty much judged my relationships on it and i think it is a good judge of relaionships to come.

Apparently this straight girl talks a fuck load.