Monday, August 24, 2009

We can make a difference

There is nothing more un-inspirational than walking to your wardrobe in the morning about to start the day and you realize that you only have the crusty underpants left, you have used all of the good ones during the week.

You know, the underpants that you traditionally wear when you have got your period! For most people it is probably their third sight of the day.
1. Open eyes
2. Gaze about the room (and that counts as one sight as it is montage form)
3. Look in the drawer for some undies and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Not the white ones with the red stains or not the patterned ones with the crunchy crotch section!

No wonder the suicidal people kill themselves in the morning.

Which poses another question….

When they do top themselves I wonder what they do about there underpants problem?

I mean nobody wants to be found dead wearing bad underpants. I certainly wouldn’t!! Maybe they go commando.

Luckily the press don’t report on suicides you can imagine the evening news headline “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND FREE BALLING”

……well I suppose that’s better than “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND WITH SKIDDYS IN PANTS.”

What I can’t seem to get my head around is, why on earth we as a race keep buying the ugly patterned underpants?

Surely we have evolved so much that we can know when a pair of underpants is just wrong.

If we can buoy-cot buying the hideous panties the production will cease, not only making our morning more pleasant but it will half the percent of suicides.

I am going to start a world wide movement to get everybody to chuck out their old underpants in protest! Call me if you like a 21st century suffragette. I know, I know what you are thinking, you are thinking ….

“my my that is wasteful and yet so deep”

I propose that due to the fact shitty underpants are mostly made out of polyester (which is essentially plastic) we could open a factory, in a third world country, employ people for just a dollar a day, melt the underpants down and recycle them into condoms.


But wait that’s not the end of it, we would distribute these condoms in the country they are made in and other third world countries.

So not only have we made people of the world generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries and by putting the produce back into the community we have stopped the aids epidemic in Africa and overpopulation of the world.

Gee shitty underpants sure do have a lot to answer for. Why stop there though…….

We could begin producing the new underpants and they could all be made to order, custom built underpants.

To deal with demand of course we would manufacture out of China, everybody is doing it.

We would want them to be hand made down to the stitch and because of the fine fabrics we would be using, we would need small hands.. Hmmmm who can we pay for not much money, that has small hands, in china????

I’ve got it, children.

What do you mean that’s cruel? They have a one child policy in china so instead of mum “accidentally” giving birth to a second child and having to leave a bloody mess in the gutter we could say “ Hang on, just wait a minute lady, why don’t we just cut the cord and give the baby to me, I’ll train it in a profession, cloth it, feed it and love it as if it were my own, I’ll also chuck in a few free condoms so this ‘situation’ doesn’t happen again”

So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, stopped overpopulation of the world but also saved the ‘seconds’ children of china and allowed Chinese men and women to fuck freely without having to shoot their spawn.

So far we are doing well.

But wait what do we do about the custom underpants design?

My Highly trained team of professionals could create different options for designs and from there you could modify the design to suit what you need!

There would be no need to go to a shop we could sell them in vending machines and from there you can customize.

Press one if you want a vaginal moist extractor€ch section
Press three if you want a incoming poo alert.
Press four if you would like to talk to an operator.

We could stop the retailing of soft drinks and shit food from vending machines in Australia and America.

We could stop the retailing of potatoes from vending machines in Ireland.

We could stop the retailing of exploited teenagers’ underpants from vending machines in Japan.

We could stop the retailing of bad country stereotypes and associated stigmas attached to vending machines..(But seriously all Americans are fat)

So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, ceased the overpopulation of the world, saved the ‘seconds’ children of china, stopped Australia’s and America’s obesity epidemic, put a stop to teenage exploitation in Japan and made a very witty craic at the Irish.

We made a point of not being wasteful with the original underpants, so we should be consistent in our approach and be an eco friendly company.

This means all of our vending machines will be powered by solar energy.

Of course the production of the solar panels will be contracted out to another company and no doubt they will be manufactured somewhere in the Vietnam area by a man with one leg, in a massive factory in the middle of nowhere so the pollution doesn’t affect surrounding villages.

Everybody in the factory will be happy to work there as all they will play is the ‘Forest Gump soundtrack.’

I could never understand why people were so unhappy to go to war, if I could run around and shoot people while listening to Respect by Aretha Franklin I’d feel pretty good about what I was doing!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

A day in the life of somebody with bull flu.

As far as disappointments go man kind is up there with a nun missing her period. 

Man kind is disappointing as a can of cascade pale ale - invented only to be piffed at Bogans.

Man kind is as disappointing as art deco furniture placed in a room with foxtel.

That is just so like me to compare the human race to Gods greatest creation, foxtel. 

But really, we all know what Gods greatest creation was and it was..... 

God's greatest creation was the automatic teller machine. 

And hasn't the old bastard been reeping the rewards from that, it now costs me a dollar fifty to use any Atm that does not belong to commonwealth bank.  

Commonweath indeed! 

As far as mans greatest invention goes well.... You could pretty much guarantee that man kind was going to be fucked when they decided that their greatest invention was the wheel......

"hey moses"

"hey Noah what you up to"

"Well Moses, funny you should ask, i've actually just built a boat large enough to carry a pair of every species of animal known to man...."

"thats pretty cool i spose"

"what you up to Moses, what you doing with that big round boulder?"

"You see Noah i thought if i found another big round boulder i could roll them around and stuff and shit.....I actually think it will be known one day as mans greatest invention"

"yeh but moses you didnt really invent it did you..."

"..... yes i did"

"no, ahhh no you didnt you just found it.  I on the other hand have built a vessel so big that it can carry all species of animal, its pretty much as big as china."

"Hey Moses, Hey Noah, gee guys have you seen that boat round the corner that is as big as china, what a twat, great wheel Moses probably mans greatest invention, hey you guys wana come down to the last supper and have a beer and eat the body of christ?"

"yeah sure,just need to get some cash out!"

Who wrote the bible................

See, thats the thing about god he is fucking sneaky.

People wonder why god no longer inflicts the plague on un suspecting naughty naughty humans but they just dont look close enough.  God has replaced the plague with homosexuality.

I thee Bob Jane God the ll send down homosexuality upon you as pain for your sins that you have commited and are yet to commit.

Thats why God invented Gay marriage - he was like HA HA HA in his booming voice this will fuck with them.

And hasnt it.......

Very sneeky old mate....

There has only been one marrige in the history of Gaydom that hasn't been complained about and said to be sick and twisted.  That was the marriage of Ellen and Portia - god bless.

But lets face it, Portia is not gay!  Actually neither is Ellen for that matter they both love the cock.

Ok no Portia is not Gay, i have actually heard it on high authority that Portia and Tom Cruise are secretly dating and Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman are actually having it off.  

Now there is a right pair of dirty lessos.

Gay marriage is all good and well and congrats to anyone who is able and willing to take that step infront of the eyes of god especially considering that he hates you.

To sum up, homosexuality is a disease! A fucking epidemic.  It is a scientific fact that when a Lesbian walks out the door she infects about five other people.

In Tasmania there was a law just a couple of years back that made buggery illegal and rightfully so.

It was ok for women to have it with one another because they cant have 'real' sex anyway.  Which has recently been proven on neighbors as on of the lesbian characters has left her female lover and started sleeping with men again - Thank God!

At least now the right message has been given to children!

As for me and many of my friends we were sent down from heaven with dental dam parachutes and with us we brought facial piercing, tattoos and wife beaters.  

We coveted thy neighbors wife, took the lords name in vein and gave thy no shit about the sabbath day.

Do you want to know what really grinds my goat and gets up my gears with people these days.  

For starters everybody is just so "trendy" take for example this new breed of orange people.. I feel like i am taking crazy pills.  Does anybody else notice that every second person is walking around with orange skin????

Orange people in leggings... what is the world coming to.  I strongly believe that orange skin leggings and the swine flu are all related.

What ever happened to SARS?   A pig sneezed on me the other day and i didnt get sick. Pandemic indeed. More like bullshit.

The word bullshit is such a good descriptive word for the human race. I dont think it is the pigs fault at all. Man Kind is suffering from Bull flu.

Bible says that god modeled man kind on his own image.......... 

He is the man that found a rock.

He is the girl with orange skin.

He is  the man on the tram that always manages to shit himself .

He is the automatic teller machine charging you a dollar fifty to get cash out.

He is a can of Cascade Pale Ale.

crying shame...

I am an avid believer in children should be seen and not heard.

I am also pro leaving children in cars with the windows up.

Since when were parents not allowed to hit their children?  

I know plenty of people who copped some form of brutal beating and now they are better people for it.

I wonder if there is a link between the decrease in beatings and suicides among shop assistants around the globe.

There are so many children walking around who look like they are dying for a good kick in the face.  

Kids just don't have any concept  of their listening abilities.  They listen to thomas the tank engine,big bird and Iggle Piggle but not their parents.

Mind you most parents these days are fuck wits.

I can't wait for the day somebody events a Thomas the Tank Engine gun.

It is a crying shame that you cant tell kids to go back where they came from.  Quite a painful procedure for the mother but that serves her right for giving birth.

People say don't blame the kids blame the parents.  I blame both.

Just as bad as one another.

My parents were on to it.  I got left in the car and hit and i am a great person.  Looking back on it, it didn't even hurt that much.

Thats the problem with kids these days, they are pussies.

Kinds in the 1800's were drinking pints of gin.  Not these kids.

"mummy get me a juice."

"no dear how about a gin and  a bullet?"

The best parents are the parents who are still children themselves.  15,16 & 17 are the best ages to have babies.

I am pro teenage pregnancy.

Child birth is not natural.  Its down right weird.  Seeing a mother and child walking down the street.  You know that that child has come out of her vagina and lets face it it makes things kind of awkward.

I thank god everyday that when the time comes i can just pick mine out of a line.  I will use the age old selection process of eni meeni mini mo.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Tuesday Morning Herald Pun

In a press release today, the State Government put forward a plan as part of their 'Education for the People of the Street Program', to pay for every person who is a permanent fixture on the corners of Victoria Street to do their RSS certificate.

The State Government believe that the Responsible Service of Smack certificate is vital for every person that catches the 109 tram without a valid ticket.

The Yarra City Council have decided to begin employing ticket inspectors from the 'Work for the Dole Program', spokesperson for Yarra Trams said
"We are finding that the Convict Release Program is no longer efficent for ticket inspecting and we will be concentrating their time elsewhere, such as women shelters, childcare and the church."

The Taxi Cab Union of Victoria have installed GPS devices in the brains of their cab drivers. They believed that this procedure was necessary due to drivers lack of area familarisation. According to 3 Mobile, their phone reception and internet connections have been slower than usual due to the crossing of frequencys between the taxi drivers brains and their commitment to service.

In Local news IKEA have waged a war on the cross eyed mutant banana smelling people, who steal their yellow bags rather than buying a blue bag. Many of the mutants have been spotted on the epping train line. IKEA are making a plea to the local community to stop these people before this goes to far. When IKEA was asked how the mutants got out of the store with the yellow bags she replied that her staff were too busy solving the mathematical equation of personality+
(IKEA is offering to donate 5c to the bushfire appeal for every yellow bag returned).

In further news it has become apparent that one of the many breeds to suffer from global warming and colding is the Red Head. Already a breed of unknown numbers and unreliable habitat it has been scientificly proven that they are now on the endangered list.

The Red Head has been given great media exposure in recent weeks. I am sure everybody received the email or saw the photograph of the fireman rehydrating the small, fluffy, red head in the victorian wilderness during the bushfires. This photograph grabbed attention of people world wide.

Scientist are now urging red heads to drop their often high and unrealistic standards and start breeding with any common muck to secure the existence of their race.

Minister for Treasurey believes that the current economic climate could work in the 'Ginger Nut's' favour. Due to the recession he feels it unecessary for Red Heads to buy condoms. He believes that their chance of conception are low enough as it is with high amounts of the fanta chromosone running through their blood.

The Health Minister has revealed that you can get pregnant through any orifice. The Minister for Religon has made a statement denying rumours that the immaculate conception occured because God came in Mary's bellybutton.

In Community News, we are now in stage 3B of water restrictions. Due to the amount H20 bingeing there will be a tax put on water. H2offyouPOP tax will not only be applied to drinking water, but also toilets, waterfalls and small ponds will no longer be able to operate.

This morning Australia was disappointed but not surprised to see a photo of Kevin Rudd's Stimulus package being used in a position that only some would recognise as the 'spread eagle' with Pauline Hanson while she had a thumb wrestle with Warwick Cappa. Photographic evidence was taken by none other than Kevin Rudd's wife who was going to use it in a ploy to blackmail political leaders and rule the world.

In sports this week it will be an interesting match between the Apple IPhone and the Blackberry Storm. It will really come down to the fans this week, which is lucky as they will need all the toss pots and wankers they can get.

This weeks quirky tale involves a women in America who gave birth to one million cats. In an interview with Current Affairs the woman said that she always wanted a big family. When the woman was asked how she felt about the fact that she had been injected with 30 gallons of cat semen she replied with "what is semen?"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The out crowd on a one way street....

I was sitting on Gertrude Street with some friends the other day.

One of my friends discreetly asked me whether i was the giver or the receiver??????? I replied....both.

I ask you, Is this not the right answer because she looked at me as if i was some crazy sexual deviant who had just said something completely out of this world.

Is there some consipiracy in the lesbian world that i dont know about???? Do some only give and some only receive???

Ummmmmm what? Excuse me?

I could only begin to imagine the world in which you would only receive?? And heaven forbid i only ever gave. Lets face facts, orgasms are fucking brilliant.

Then this led me to think about all of my lesbian friends and wether they would be givers or receivers. I came to some pretty sound conclusions.

Then i did the first thing anybody would do when they were confused or didn't know how to spell something...... I googled it.

In the search bar i typed the logistics of lesbian sex - of course it came up with the usual how to bullshit e.g "some women enjoy deep penetration called fisting, make sure to be careful when doing so.."

No matter how many differn't ways i tried to spell it out, google just could't give me the answer i needed . If only i could build up the courage, just to ask my friend what she had mean't?

Please tell me how you feel about this topic. Do you give? Do you receive?

Or are you not apart of the conspiracy, and like me are happy in the one lane, on the two way street of sex?

Lions, Tigers and Mothers oh my....

I have no doubt in my mind that i have my mother to thank for the way i turned out.

It all began when i was still in the womb and she chose my name.

I am sure that you are all familiar with Jenifer Beals in the film Flashdance, if your not than you should be ashamed. My mother named me after Jenifer Beal's character who was a welder by day and a stripper by night. If that is not setting a standard for your un-born child i dont know what is.

She used to teach me answers to certain questions, so when her friends asked me the questions (which were always prompted by my mum) i would give the desired answer, keep in mind i was four.
Q.What is your favourite perfume? A. Channel No. 5
Q.Who is your favourite singer? A. (most kids would have said Noni from playschool but no mine was....) Madonna

When she would read to me,
the better the champagne, the better the accents of the characters in the book. She even brings it up now, she reminds me of how much of a good story teller she was.

My mum and her best friend Barb used to take me to the park with 3 bottles of chapagne and two packs of ciggies. A couple of hours later they were having a ball on the swings while i would be waiting in the car to go home.

She used to keep me home from school just for the sake of it. It would be a plain clothes day and she would tell me "you are staying at home today" i would say "mum i want to go to school and wear free dress" she would then reply with " ok well you can go to school then but i will send you in your uniform" The lack of attendance to school didn't matter however as the void was easily filled with the much more educational Bold and the Beautiful.

I was never allowed to have a Ken Doll. So from the early age of six i had already figured out the lesbian lifestyle and social networking because all of my Barbies were having it off together.

One year all i wanted for Christmas was a cabbage patch doll, i was so excited when i was opening my big present on Christmas Day. When i saw what was inside, the depths of hell opened- she had bought me a fucking boy. A boy cabbage patch doll, can you imagin? He's name was Blancroft Blain. None of the Barbies gave him the time of day.

When i was 14, i was well over the ken doll factor. What do you think i got for christmas that year? Yes a fucking Ken doll. By this stage all of the Barbies had entered into serious homosexual relationships with one another, however there was another doll that was rather lonely, so from that day Ken and Blancroft Blain stated sucking each others cock.

So here i was growing up in a world surrounded by Flash Dance, Bold and The Beautiful, Homosexual Barbies and Cock sucking cabbage patch dolls. My destiny, by this stage had pretty much been set in stone.

When i was in my teens and even now when i say "goodnight mum, love you" she replies with "yes, i like you alot"

These are just afew instances that surrounded my childhood that seemed so small at the time and now when i look back at them they really have been the pinacle points that have shaped my existence as i know it.

Nevertheless i am so happy with who i am and what i believe in and i have my mum and her passive smoke to thank for that.

All jokes aside she is the most amazing women i have ever met and i only wish that everybody could have the same relationship with their mother as i do mine.....

So how do we feel about strap ons......?

Sir Thomas 'big plastic cock' Strap On was a man of great integrity. He took women from the constraints of the chastity belt and put them in the harness of the big plastic cock.

So how do we really feel about THE STRAP ON?

For me it has never been a question that i have asked myself. I am going to be honest i have never used one. I feel that there is something very surgical about the strap on.

I have done some reaserch and the designs really do vary.

Your $50 strap on will get you something with a strechy elastic 'strap and a weird pink plastic penis, that won't stay in it's hole. We will name thee 'mood killer'

Your $150 strap on will get you something quite reliable with a black elastic 'strap' and some moulded rubber in any colour that somewhat represents a penis .

Your higher end strap on which is anywhere between the $300 or more has upholsered leather seats with air con and electric windows. Ahhhh there is nothing like that new car smell.

What are the strap on rules? If you buy a strap on with one partner do you use it on the next when you brake up? Do you have a strap on each, that are differnt colours so as to avoid confusion? Do you have a range of strap ons with varying sizes?

So the strap on, really?

I would like some light shed on this question. I need some opinions on the strap on. I need to get to know who the strap on really is?

Strap on .....the unsolved mystery. To Be Continued.