Monday, August 24, 2009
You know, the underpants that you traditionally wear when you have got your period! For most people it is probably their third sight of the day.
1. Open eyes
2. Gaze about the room (and that counts as one sight as it is montage form)
3. Look in the drawer for some undies and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Not the white ones with the red stains or not the patterned ones with the crunchy crotch section!
No wonder the suicidal people kill themselves in the morning.
Which poses another question….
When they do top themselves I wonder what they do about there underpants problem?
I mean nobody wants to be found dead wearing bad underpants. I certainly wouldn’t!! Maybe they go commando.
Luckily the press don’t report on suicides you can imagine the evening news headline “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND FREE BALLING”
……well I suppose that’s better than “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND WITH SKIDDYS IN PANTS.”
What I can’t seem to get my head around is, why on earth we as a race keep buying the ugly patterned underpants?
Surely we have evolved so much that we can know when a pair of underpants is just wrong.
If we can buoy-cot buying the hideous panties the production will cease, not only making our morning more pleasant but it will half the percent of suicides.
I am going to start a world wide movement to get everybody to chuck out their old underpants in protest! Call me if you like a 21st century suffragette. I know, I know what you are thinking, you are thinking ….
“my my that is wasteful and yet so deep”
I propose that due to the fact shitty underpants are mostly made out of polyester (which is essentially plastic) we could open a factory, in a third world country, employ people for just a dollar a day, melt the underpants down and recycle them into condoms.
But wait that’s not the end of it, we would distribute these condoms in the country they are made in and other third world countries.
So not only have we made people of the world generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries and by putting the produce back into the community we have stopped the aids epidemic in Africa and overpopulation of the world.
Gee shitty underpants sure do have a lot to answer for. Why stop there though…….
We could begin producing the new underpants and they could all be made to order, custom built underpants.
To deal with demand of course we would manufacture out of China, everybody is doing it.
We would want them to be hand made down to the stitch and because of the fine fabrics we would be using, we would need small hands.. Hmmmm who can we pay for not much money, that has small hands, in china????
I’ve got it, children.
What do you mean that’s cruel? They have a one child policy in china so instead of mum “accidentally” giving birth to a second child and having to leave a bloody mess in the gutter we could say “ Hang on, just wait a minute lady, why don’t we just cut the cord and give the baby to me, I’ll train it in a profession, cloth it, feed it and love it as if it were my own, I’ll also chuck in a few free condoms so this ‘situation’ doesn’t happen again”
So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, stopped overpopulation of the world but also saved the ‘seconds’ children of china and allowed Chinese men and women to fuck freely without having to shoot their spawn.
So far we are doing well.
But wait what do we do about the custom underpants design?
My Highly trained team of professionals could create different options for designs and from there you could modify the design to suit what you need!
There would be no need to go to a shop we could sell them in vending machines and from there you can customize.
Press one if you want a vaginal moist extractor€ch section
Press three if you want a incoming poo alert.
Press four if you would like to talk to an operator.
We could stop the retailing of soft drinks and shit food from vending machines in Australia and America.
We could stop the retailing of potatoes from vending machines in Ireland.
We could stop the retailing of exploited teenagers’ underpants from vending machines in Japan.
We could stop the retailing of bad country stereotypes and associated stigmas attached to vending machines..(But seriously all Americans are fat)
So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, ceased the overpopulation of the world, saved the ‘seconds’ children of china, stopped Australia’s and America’s obesity epidemic, put a stop to teenage exploitation in Japan and made a very witty craic at the Irish.
We made a point of not being wasteful with the original underpants, so we should be consistent in our approach and be an eco friendly company.
This means all of our vending machines will be powered by solar energy.
Of course the production of the solar panels will be contracted out to another company and no doubt they will be manufactured somewhere in the Vietnam area by a man with one leg, in a massive factory in the middle of nowhere so the pollution doesn’t affect surrounding villages.
Everybody in the factory will be happy to work there as all they will play is the ‘Forest Gump soundtrack.’
I could never understand why people were so unhappy to go to war, if I could run around and shoot people while listening to Respect by Aretha Franklin I’d feel pretty good about what I was doing!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
As far as disappointments go man kind is up there with a nun missing her period.
Man kind is disappointing as a can of cascade pale ale - invented only to be piffed at Bogans.
Man kind is as disappointing as art deco furniture placed in a room with foxtel.
That is just so like me to compare the human race to Gods greatest creation, foxtel.
But really, we all know what Gods greatest creation was and it was.....
God's greatest creation was the automatic teller machine.
And hasn't the old bastard been reeping the rewards from that, it now costs me a dollar fifty to use any Atm that does not belong to commonwealth bank.
As far as mans greatest invention goes well.... You could pretty much guarantee that man kind was going to be fucked when they decided that their greatest invention was the wheel......
"hey Noah what you up to"
"Well Moses, funny you should ask, i've actually just built a boat large enough to carry a pair of every species of animal known to man...."
"thats pretty cool i spose"
"what you up to Moses, what you doing with that big round boulder?"
"You see Noah i thought if i found another big round boulder i could roll them around and stuff and shit.....I actually think it will be known one day as mans greatest invention"
"yeh but moses you didnt really invent it did you..."
"..... yes i did"
"no, ahhh no you didnt you just found it. I on the other hand have built a vessel so big that it can carry all species of animal, its pretty much as big as china."
"Hey Moses, Hey Noah, gee guys have you seen that boat round the corner that is as big as china, what a twat, great wheel Moses probably mans greatest invention, hey you guys wana come down to the last supper and have a beer and eat the body of christ?"
"yeah sure,just need to get some cash out!"
Who wrote the bible................
See, thats the thing about god he is fucking sneaky.
People wonder why god no longer inflicts the plague on un suspecting naughty naughty humans but they just dont look close enough. God has replaced the plague with homosexuality.
I thee Bob Jane God the ll send down homosexuality upon you as pain for your sins that you have commited and are yet to commit.
Thats why God invented Gay marriage - he was like HA HA HA in his booming voice this will fuck with them.
And hasnt it.......
Very sneeky old mate....
There has only been one marrige in the history of Gaydom that hasn't been complained about and said to be sick and twisted. That was the marriage of Ellen and Portia - god bless.
But lets face it, Portia is not gay! Actually neither is Ellen for that matter they both love the cock.
Ok no Portia is not Gay, i have actually heard it on high authority that Portia and Tom Cruise are secretly dating and Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman are actually having it off.
Now there is a right pair of dirty lessos.
Gay marriage is all good and well and congrats to anyone who is able and willing to take that step infront of the eyes of god especially considering that he hates you.
To sum up, homosexuality is a disease! A fucking epidemic. It is a scientific fact that when a Lesbian walks out the door she infects about five other people.
In Tasmania there was a law just a couple of years back that made buggery illegal and rightfully so.
It was ok for women to have it with one another because they cant have 'real' sex anyway. Which has recently been proven on neighbors as on of the lesbian characters has left her female lover and started sleeping with men again - Thank God!
At least now the right message has been given to children!
As for me and many of my friends we were sent down from heaven with dental dam parachutes and with us we brought facial piercing, tattoos and wife beaters.
We coveted thy neighbors wife, took the lords name in vein and gave thy no shit about the sabbath day.
Do you want to know what really grinds my goat and gets up my gears with people these days.
For starters everybody is just so "trendy" take for example this new breed of orange people.. I feel like i am taking crazy pills. Does anybody else notice that every second person is walking around with orange skin????
Orange people in leggings... what is the world coming to. I strongly believe that orange skin leggings and the swine flu are all related.
What ever happened to SARS? A pig sneezed on me the other day and i didnt get sick. Pandemic indeed. More like bullshit.
The word bullshit is such a good descriptive word for the human race. I dont think it is the pigs fault at all. Man Kind is suffering from Bull flu.
Bible says that god modeled man kind on his own image..........
He is the man that found a rock.
He is the girl with orange skin.
He is the man on the tram that always manages to shit himself .
He is the automatic teller machine charging you a dollar fifty to get cash out.
He is a can of Cascade Pale Ale.
Monday, March 16, 2009
The State Government believe that the Responsible Service of Smack certificate is vital for every person that catches the 109 tram without a valid ticket.
The Yarra City Council have decided to begin employing ticket inspectors from the 'Work for the Dole Program', spokesperson for Yarra Trams said
"We are finding that the Convict Release Program is no longer efficent for ticket inspecting and we will be concentrating their time elsewhere, such as women shelters, childcare and the church."
The Taxi Cab Union of Victoria have installed GPS devices in the brains of their cab drivers. They believed that this procedure was necessary due to drivers lack of area familarisation. According to 3 Mobile, their phone reception and internet connections have been slower than usual due to the crossing of frequencys between the taxi drivers brains and their commitment to service.
In Local news IKEA have waged a war on the cross eyed mutant banana smelling people, who steal their yellow bags rather than buying a blue bag. Many of the mutants have been spotted on the epping train line. IKEA are making a plea to the local community to stop these people before this goes to far. When IKEA was asked how the mutants got out of the store with the yellow bags she replied that her staff were too busy solving the mathematical equation of personality+
(IKEA is offering to donate 5c to the bushfire appeal for every yellow bag returned).
In further news it has become apparent that one of the many breeds to suffer from global warming and colding is the Red Head. Already a breed of unknown numbers and unreliable habitat it has been scientificly proven that they are now on the endangered list.
The Red Head has been given great media exposure in recent weeks. I am sure everybody received the email or saw the photograph of the fireman rehydrating the small, fluffy, red head in the victorian wilderness during the bushfires. This photograph grabbed attention of people world wide.
Scientist are now urging red heads to drop their often high and unrealistic standards and start breeding with any common muck to secure the existence of their race.
Minister for Treasurey believes that the current economic climate could work in the 'Ginger Nut's' favour. Due to the recession he feels it unecessary for Red Heads to buy condoms. He believes that their chance of conception are low enough as it is with high amounts of the fanta chromosone running through their blood.
The Health Minister has revealed that you can get pregnant through any orifice. The Minister for Religon has made a statement denying rumours that the immaculate conception occured because God came in Mary's bellybutton.
In Community News, we are now in stage 3B of water restrictions. Due to the amount H20 bingeing there will be a tax put on water. H2offyouPOP tax will not only be applied to drinking water, but also toilets, waterfalls and small ponds will no longer be able to operate.
This morning Australia was disappointed but not surprised to see a photo of Kevin Rudd's Stimulus package being used in a position that only some would recognise as the 'spread eagle' with Pauline Hanson while she had a thumb wrestle with Warwick Cappa. Photographic evidence was taken by none other than Kevin Rudd's wife who was going to use it in a ploy to blackmail political leaders and rule the world.
In sports this week it will be an interesting match between the Apple IPhone and the Blackberry Storm. It will really come down to the fans this week, which is lucky as they will need all the toss pots and wankers they can get.
This weeks quirky tale involves a women in America who gave birth to one million cats. In an interview with Current Affairs the woman said that she always wanted a big family. When the woman was asked how she felt about the fact that she had been injected with 30 gallons of cat semen she replied with "what is semen?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
One of my friends discreetly asked me whether i was the giver or the receiver??????? I replied....both.
I ask you, Is this not the right answer because she looked at me as if i was some crazy sexual deviant who had just said something completely out of this world.
Is there some consipiracy in the lesbian world that i dont know about???? Do some only give and some only receive???
Ummmmmm what? Excuse me?
I could only begin to imagine the world in which you would only receive?? And heaven forbid i only ever gave. Lets face facts, orgasms are fucking brilliant.
Then this led me to think about all of my lesbian friends and wether they would be givers or receivers. I came to some pretty sound conclusions.
Then i did the first thing anybody would do when they were confused or didn't know how to spell something...... I googled it.
In the search bar i typed the logistics of lesbian sex - of course it came up with the usual how to bullshit e.g "some women enjoy deep penetration called fisting, make sure to be careful when doing so.."
No matter how many differn't ways i tried to spell it out, google just could't give me the answer i needed . If only i could build up the courage, just to ask my friend what she had mean't?
Please tell me how you feel about this topic. Do you give? Do you receive?
Or are you not apart of the conspiracy, and like me are happy in the one lane, on the two way street of sex?
It all began when i was still in the womb and she chose my name.
I am sure that you are all familiar with Jenifer Beals in the film Flashdance, if your not than you should be ashamed. My mother named me after Jenifer Beal's character who was a welder by day and a stripper by night. If that is not setting a standard for your un-born child i dont know what is.
She used to teach me answers to certain questions, so when her friends asked me the questions (which were always prompted by my mum) i would give the desired answer, keep in mind i was four.
Q.What is your favourite perfume? A. Channel No. 5
Q.Who is your favourite singer? A. (most kids would have said Noni from playschool but no mine was....) Madonna
When she would read to me,
the better the champagne, the better the accents of the characters in the book. She even brings it up now, she reminds me of how much of a good story teller she was.
My mum and her best friend Barb used to take me to the park with 3 bottles of chapagne and two packs of ciggies. A couple of hours later they were having a ball on the swings while i would be waiting in the car to go home.
She used to keep me home from school just for the sake of it. It would be a plain clothes day and she would tell me "you are staying at home today" i would say "mum i want to go to school and wear free dress" she would then reply with " ok well you can go to school then but i will send you in your uniform" The lack of attendance to school didn't matter however as the void was easily filled with the much more educational Bold and the Beautiful.
I was never allowed to have a Ken Doll. So from the early age of six i had already figured out the lesbian lifestyle and social networking because all of my Barbies were having it off together.
One year all i wanted for Christmas was a cabbage patch doll, i was so excited when i was opening my big present on Christmas Day. When i saw what was inside, the depths of hell opened- she had bought me a fucking boy. A boy cabbage patch doll, can you imagin? He's name was Blancroft Blain. None of the Barbies gave him the time of day.
When i was 14, i was well over the ken doll factor. What do you think i got for christmas that year? Yes a fucking Ken doll. By this stage all of the Barbies had entered into serious homosexual relationships with one another, however there was another doll that was rather lonely, so from that day Ken and Blancroft Blain stated sucking each others cock.
So here i was growing up in a world surrounded by Flash Dance, Bold and The Beautiful, Homosexual Barbies and Cock sucking cabbage patch dolls. My destiny, by this stage had pretty much been set in stone.
When i was in my teens and even now when i say "goodnight mum, love you" she replies with "yes, i like you alot"
These are just afew instances that surrounded my childhood that seemed so small at the time and now when i look back at them they really have been the pinacle points that have shaped my existence as i know it.
Nevertheless i am so happy with who i am and what i believe in and i have my mum and her passive smoke to thank for that.
All jokes aside she is the most amazing women i have ever met and i only wish that everybody could have the same relationship with their mother as i do mine.....
So how do we really feel about THE STRAP ON?
For me it has never been a question that i have asked myself. I am going to be honest i have never used one. I feel that there is something very surgical about the strap on.
I have done some reaserch and the designs really do vary.
Your $50 strap on will get you something with a strechy elastic 'strap and a weird pink plastic penis, that won't stay in it's hole. We will name thee 'mood killer'
Your $150 strap on will get you something quite reliable with a black elastic 'strap' and some moulded rubber in any colour that somewhat represents a penis .
Your higher end strap on which is anywhere between the $300 or more has upholsered leather seats with air con and electric windows. Ahhhh there is nothing like that new car smell.
What are the strap on rules? If you buy a strap on with one partner do you use it on the next when you brake up? Do you have a strap on each, that are differnt colours so as to avoid confusion? Do you have a range of strap ons with varying sizes?
So the strap on, really?
I would like some light shed on this question. I need some opinions on the strap on. I need to get to know who the strap on really is?
Strap on .....the unsolved mystery. To Be Continued.
There is a special breed of X (wom) men who are geneticly modified to have power and persuasive control of another persons actions. This so called genetivly modified X chromosone has been dubed the 'Sugar'.
Scientists have proven that these X (wom) men do all in their power to pamper the current significant other, so their partners never leave....ever.
I only wish this particular issue had been brought to my attention sooner.
Once a rare breed, The Sugar Mama's numbers are growing rapidly. Some believe is is the hormones found in chicken and others believe it natural urge for lesbians around the world to be protective and supportive of their assets.
When did self respect cease? For both parties this is a very dangerous situation.
A. The Sugar Mama is happy with new partner "Y", then the honeymoon period of a week is over, the sugar mama becomes concerned, starts buying "Y" food to be able to stay in the house, clothes, starts using the word baby in text messages and asks "Y" what time she will be home...??
B. "Y" is happy, finds sugar mama attractive, is enjoying the guilt free sex and likes having someone to spoon, "Y" stays at sugar mama's house alot!! "Y" finds sugar mama being protective and over the top. "Y" hates the word baby. "Y" doesn't stay out late becxause she wants to get home before Sugar Mama finishes work, downs some Phrenergan and "Y" uses sleeping tablets as an excuse for lack of intimacy.
The cases of Sugar Mamadom vary from mild to serious. If you feel like you are coming down with it go to a nice gay bar and do the one thing all of us lesbians are great at - Karaoke . Use only as directed and if symptoms persist, cheat on her.
White and no Sugar Mama Thanks...
Hang on just a minute here.... Sarah Waters is an amazing author and more power to her!
Don't you find it refreshing? That somebody who knows she is sucessful in her current ideas and themes, is stepping outside the square into the unknown territory of the oblong?
We should be celebrating the fact that a prominant Lesbian author is going to be publishing a novel aimed at the big scary world of heterosexuals!
As for me, i have just finished reading 'The Night Watch' and i cannot wait to get my hands on the next Sarah Waters novel.
Leggings are not pants. Let me say this one more time incase you there, in the back couldn't hear me, Leggings are not pants.
I was at the airport last night and there were some very sad cases of the legging epidemic. Who decided that it was ok to wear leggings as pants?
Since when was is ok to wear stockings as pants? There was one women in particular who appeared to be extremely proud of her gunt and drew attention to it by wearing leggings as pants.
Bring back the styrup pants i say! How brilliant was the styrup pant. I used to wear florel ones. I would also have the styrup out the back of my shoes rather than putting it under my foot. Now the styrup pant was a statement if i ever saw one! The Styrup wasn't for everyone, anyone over the age of four was to old for the styrup, luckily for me i was three.
Leggings as pants bring about so many pressing fasion issues eg 'can you see my underpants under this?' 'To Camel toe or not to Camel toe?' and the almighty 'do my hips look big in this?'
The cons out weigh the pros. The stress that is created from this so called fashion statement, i believe can seriously lead to premature hair loss.
Thats all we need, balding twenty somethings dressed in leggings and waving their highlighted Camelus in our faces. I say no to leggings as pants!
A friend of mine, at this current point in time is persuing a straight girl. She believes, like so many others that have traveled down this path, that she will be the special one that this girl will turn gay for.
It has been a while since she has had sex. The last time she did, it was with a stright girl who tore her clothes off only to leave her a week later for a man. You would think that we would learn from our mistakes but as humans, common sense doesn't seem to be a factor when it comes to who we fuck.
It has actually been so long that she googled 'sex without intercourse.' It resulted with some sites where men were in forums discussing how much harder women cum with just fingers and no cock.
This of course is no suprise to us but it makes you wonder how many years these men have been having sex and have only just come across this remarkable discovery. Neil Armstrong was the first man to discover the clitoris 'one small step for man one giant leap for man kind'
Lets face it, the vagina can be a tricky thing to navigate, so many places so many differnt ways to do things. It is easy for us girls because we have one and i suppose to the straight girl that could be quite daunting, licking yourself out.
I believe that there are only a very small percentage of the world that are totally straight.
I believe to say that you are only attracted to the opposite sex is not only a denial of basic human nature but a great opportunity missed.
What is it about 'The Straight' girl? What is it about the straight girl that manipulates and overpowers the gay women?
This then brings us to the age old question what came first, the chicken or the egg? Do you think that we are all born gay and due to the social norm, the majority conform and become hetero? Or are we born straight and then turn gay? hmmmm.
So when the straight girl realises that in fact she is gay, she is retreating back to her natural born instincts of homosexuality?
So for us who have seen the light and indeed not conformed with the norm, have we cracked the Matrix of sexuality?
The argument can also be turned around. The Hasbian? When the Hasbian decides that she has had her fill of homosexuality she runs back to Mr Anderson's shaft of certain death.
Maybe gender isn't the issue here.
Maybe it is about the right person. A very clever man once told me a story about a women who came home to her father and told him she was in love, the father asked her how the love making was, she replied that making love with him was the best love she had ever had, he then turned to her and said "yes ... but how is the silence......can you sit in silence?" Since i heard that story i have pretty much judged my relationships on it and i think it is a good judge of relaionships to come.
Apparently this straight girl talks a fuck load.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I get fed up with being bothered by the day to day trivial issues that only seem to bother me. I want to share what has happened in my day, what has made me laugh, what has made me motivated, what has made me drunk, what has annoyed me, issues that have come to my attention and the utterly weird and wonderful happenings of the somewhat fucked up world around us.
As an aspiring writer that will probobly never get anywhere close to writing a novel, this is my outlet to express the things that shape my opinions on the 'stylings of life.'
First things first, these blogs will have many gay, queer and lesbian themes purely because this is the life that i lead. I feel i need to express that this should not limit the people who read these blogs. Just because my opinions are openly gay it doesn't mean that they are aimed at one type of person. People no matter what sexuality or sexualities you identify with should be able to relate to any situation and i feel extremely passionate about this.
It amazes me how long it took me to know myself. If I think of every minute I have spent alone with myself It makes me feel a bit embarrassed to admit that I had the biggest realization, that would shape the rest of my life and mental state in a pub toilet.
Here I was sitting on a toilet next to a wall that says life is a purple jellybeen and amazing prose such as ‘If i were to call you a sparrow, would you consider yourself a pest? Or one who bathed in dust and came out clear - Zombee’ and I realized what my life was all about!I will never forget how happy I was when I finally admitted it to myself, not that I was ashamed just shy.
You know what I am talking about……
Every time you are pissed, it is the time you can finally talk to yourself without feeling crazy, being able to look in the mirror and see your self in some unforgiving very humorous reality.Looking at your reflection, like it’s not just a mirror image of you, its you stripped bare of all the bullshit.
The time when you talk to yourself properly, is when you are in the cubicle struggling to pull your pants down and sit, not fall on the toilet.It is when you are slightly dizzy, resting your elbows on your knees and you put your head into your hands and say ‘you are gay’
That sudden realization is the best epiphany that any person can have.It is meeting yourself for the first time. It is shaking hands with yourself and saying ‘I have heard so much about you, non of it good, but it’s finally nice to meet you’ (c)
Epiphany (feeling), the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something
Labels: pub toilets
by The In and Out Crowd