Monday, August 24, 2009

We can make a difference

There is nothing more un-inspirational than walking to your wardrobe in the morning about to start the day and you realize that you only have the crusty underpants left, you have used all of the good ones during the week.

You know, the underpants that you traditionally wear when you have got your period! For most people it is probably their third sight of the day.
1. Open eyes
2. Gaze about the room (and that counts as one sight as it is montage form)
3. Look in the drawer for some undies and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Not the white ones with the red stains or not the patterned ones with the crunchy crotch section!

No wonder the suicidal people kill themselves in the morning.

Which poses another question….

When they do top themselves I wonder what they do about there underpants problem?

I mean nobody wants to be found dead wearing bad underpants. I certainly wouldn’t!! Maybe they go commando.

Luckily the press don’t report on suicides you can imagine the evening news headline “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND FREE BALLING”

……well I suppose that’s better than “SUICIDE JUMPER FOUND WITH SKIDDYS IN PANTS.”

What I can’t seem to get my head around is, why on earth we as a race keep buying the ugly patterned underpants?

Surely we have evolved so much that we can know when a pair of underpants is just wrong.

If we can buoy-cot buying the hideous panties the production will cease, not only making our morning more pleasant but it will half the percent of suicides.

I am going to start a world wide movement to get everybody to chuck out their old underpants in protest! Call me if you like a 21st century suffragette. I know, I know what you are thinking, you are thinking ….

“my my that is wasteful and yet so deep”

I propose that due to the fact shitty underpants are mostly made out of polyester (which is essentially plastic) we could open a factory, in a third world country, employ people for just a dollar a day, melt the underpants down and recycle them into condoms.


But wait that’s not the end of it, we would distribute these condoms in the country they are made in and other third world countries.

So not only have we made people of the world generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries and by putting the produce back into the community we have stopped the aids epidemic in Africa and overpopulation of the world.

Gee shitty underpants sure do have a lot to answer for. Why stop there though…….

We could begin producing the new underpants and they could all be made to order, custom built underpants.

To deal with demand of course we would manufacture out of China, everybody is doing it.

We would want them to be hand made down to the stitch and because of the fine fabrics we would be using, we would need small hands.. Hmmmm who can we pay for not much money, that has small hands, in china????

I’ve got it, children.

What do you mean that’s cruel? They have a one child policy in china so instead of mum “accidentally” giving birth to a second child and having to leave a bloody mess in the gutter we could say “ Hang on, just wait a minute lady, why don’t we just cut the cord and give the baby to me, I’ll train it in a profession, cloth it, feed it and love it as if it were my own, I’ll also chuck in a few free condoms so this ‘situation’ doesn’t happen again”

So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, stopped overpopulation of the world but also saved the ‘seconds’ children of china and allowed Chinese men and women to fuck freely without having to shoot their spawn.

So far we are doing well.

But wait what do we do about the custom underpants design?

My Highly trained team of professionals could create different options for designs and from there you could modify the design to suit what you need!

There would be no need to go to a shop we could sell them in vending machines and from there you can customize.

Press one if you want a vaginal moist extractor€ch section
Press three if you want a incoming poo alert.
Press four if you would like to talk to an operator.

We could stop the retailing of soft drinks and shit food from vending machines in Australia and America.

We could stop the retailing of potatoes from vending machines in Ireland.

We could stop the retailing of exploited teenagers’ underpants from vending machines in Japan.

We could stop the retailing of bad country stereotypes and associated stigmas attached to vending machines..(But seriously all Americans are fat)

So now not only have we made people generally happier, lowered the percentage of suicides, created jobs in third world countries, put produce back into the community it came from, stopped the aids epidemic in Africa, ceased the overpopulation of the world, saved the ‘seconds’ children of china, stopped Australia’s and America’s obesity epidemic, put a stop to teenage exploitation in Japan and made a very witty craic at the Irish.

We made a point of not being wasteful with the original underpants, so we should be consistent in our approach and be an eco friendly company.

This means all of our vending machines will be powered by solar energy.

Of course the production of the solar panels will be contracted out to another company and no doubt they will be manufactured somewhere in the Vietnam area by a man with one leg, in a massive factory in the middle of nowhere so the pollution doesn’t affect surrounding villages.

Everybody in the factory will be happy to work there as all they will play is the ‘Forest Gump soundtrack.’

I could never understand why people were so unhappy to go to war, if I could run around and shoot people while listening to Respect by Aretha Franklin I’d feel pretty good about what I was doing!

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