Monday, March 16, 2009

The Tuesday Morning Herald Pun

In a press release today, the State Government put forward a plan as part of their 'Education for the People of the Street Program', to pay for every person who is a permanent fixture on the corners of Victoria Street to do their RSS certificate.

The State Government believe that the Responsible Service of Smack certificate is vital for every person that catches the 109 tram without a valid ticket.

The Yarra City Council have decided to begin employing ticket inspectors from the 'Work for the Dole Program', spokesperson for Yarra Trams said
"We are finding that the Convict Release Program is no longer efficent for ticket inspecting and we will be concentrating their time elsewhere, such as women shelters, childcare and the church."

The Taxi Cab Union of Victoria have installed GPS devices in the brains of their cab drivers. They believed that this procedure was necessary due to drivers lack of area familarisation. According to 3 Mobile, their phone reception and internet connections have been slower than usual due to the crossing of frequencys between the taxi drivers brains and their commitment to service.

In Local news IKEA have waged a war on the cross eyed mutant banana smelling people, who steal their yellow bags rather than buying a blue bag. Many of the mutants have been spotted on the epping train line. IKEA are making a plea to the local community to stop these people before this goes to far. When IKEA was asked how the mutants got out of the store with the yellow bags she replied that her staff were too busy solving the mathematical equation of personality+
(IKEA is offering to donate 5c to the bushfire appeal for every yellow bag returned).

In further news it has become apparent that one of the many breeds to suffer from global warming and colding is the Red Head. Already a breed of unknown numbers and unreliable habitat it has been scientificly proven that they are now on the endangered list.

The Red Head has been given great media exposure in recent weeks. I am sure everybody received the email or saw the photograph of the fireman rehydrating the small, fluffy, red head in the victorian wilderness during the bushfires. This photograph grabbed attention of people world wide.

Scientist are now urging red heads to drop their often high and unrealistic standards and start breeding with any common muck to secure the existence of their race.

Minister for Treasurey believes that the current economic climate could work in the 'Ginger Nut's' favour. Due to the recession he feels it unecessary for Red Heads to buy condoms. He believes that their chance of conception are low enough as it is with high amounts of the fanta chromosone running through their blood.

The Health Minister has revealed that you can get pregnant through any orifice. The Minister for Religon has made a statement denying rumours that the immaculate conception occured because God came in Mary's bellybutton.

In Community News, we are now in stage 3B of water restrictions. Due to the amount H20 bingeing there will be a tax put on water. H2offyouPOP tax will not only be applied to drinking water, but also toilets, waterfalls and small ponds will no longer be able to operate.

This morning Australia was disappointed but not surprised to see a photo of Kevin Rudd's Stimulus package being used in a position that only some would recognise as the 'spread eagle' with Pauline Hanson while she had a thumb wrestle with Warwick Cappa. Photographic evidence was taken by none other than Kevin Rudd's wife who was going to use it in a ploy to blackmail political leaders and rule the world.

In sports this week it will be an interesting match between the Apple IPhone and the Blackberry Storm. It will really come down to the fans this week, which is lucky as they will need all the toss pots and wankers they can get.

This weeks quirky tale involves a women in America who gave birth to one million cats. In an interview with Current Affairs the woman said that she always wanted a big family. When the woman was asked how she felt about the fact that she had been injected with 30 gallons of cat semen she replied with "what is semen?"

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